Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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