I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
