I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
