I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
