I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
