You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
