I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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