I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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