When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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