can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
