If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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