at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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