i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
