If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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