I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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