Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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