So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
