Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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