My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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