It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
