The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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