his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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