Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
