i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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