Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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