Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
