You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
