how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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