She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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