yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
