gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
