Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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