I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I believe in your delicious
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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