Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
