3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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