I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
someone threw a dead crab at me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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