If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
