OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
