I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
