so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It's blow job season.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
