____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
