I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
