Soap is not a condiment
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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