For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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