Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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