I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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