she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
