i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
