I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
