I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
