I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
