She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
