right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
