My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
