He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
