We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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